As published in The Daily Tremor VIII/XI/MMXXV
Dearest Gentle Reader,
Shortly after a timely tip-off (from our very own neurospicy oracle of the neuroverse, Lady Hilary F. Had-Enough), pandemonium broke out in Paris over the Louvre Larceny — the city aflutter with rumours, feathers, and fainting curators.
Five suspects were apprehended in what gendarmes are calling “the most audacious art theft since someone nicked a Rembrandt thinking it was a high-end duvet cover.”
Percy was spotted near the scene (naturally).
Mango was in tears at the way he longingly gazed at the Mona Lisa, as if decoding her smirk. Sources confirm he was following a lead from Lady Hilary F. Had-Enough — not casing the joint.
Our Elusive Author was later heard muttering, “Percy and Mango are not Bonnie and Clyde; they’re simply misunderstood.”
She went on to suggest that perhaps they were investigating a lesser-known theft — the baguettes and pains au chocolat that vanished, leaving a serious void in the café. The number of kilojoules stolen? Incalculable!
Neither the Ambassade Française nor Agent Redcar were available for comment.
So yes, Paris certainly IS having another haute couture fainting fit: As headlines squawk of the Louvre theft and treachery, The Daily Tremor must report a quieter, crueller crime:
The continued sanctioning of the clipping of wings.
The Parisienne Pigeon Party Petition
This time, the Parisienne Pigeon Party (PPP), undeterred by the philharmonic outrage being conducted at the time (but deeply saddened nonetheless), staged a petition around the statue of Charlemagne at Notre Dame Cathedral — calling urgently for a halt to “the trimming of potential.”
Hardly surprising, when one considers how many wings have been clipped in the name of order.
Unsurprisingly, the Avian Intelligence Unit (AIU) — already in Paris following tip-offs on that disappearance of a priceless number of baguettes, pains au chocolat, and, worst of all, mille-feuille — was seen conferring in support of the protest.
They maintain — and we concur, naturally — that civilisation’s true crime is not the theft of baubles, but the trimming of potential.
The AIU Resolution
In response, the AIU convened an emergency summit in the rafters of the Musée d’Orsay — neutral ground, less surveillance, better lighting.
A resolution was passed unanimously — 3 squawks to zero — declaring wing-clipping “an act of cultural barbarism, unbecoming of any nation that pretends to admire flight.”
AIU Statement:
“We, the undersigned, being creatures of curiosity, chaos, and karma, hereby condemn the systematic trimming of wings under the pretext of good behaviour, beauty standards, or brand alignment. We reject all justifications involving ‘safety’, ‘containment’, or ‘housekeeping’.
History will not forgive the civilisations that prised cleanliness over courage.”
Agent Bud has already drafted a motion to outlaw “aesthetic maiming.”
Local Reactions
Mango has threatened a hunger strike — though only between snacks — which has tongues wagging about why she’s, well, glowing more these days.
Percy insists he will not sing another note until every aviary door in Paris is open “for rehearsal purposes,” repeating that wing-clipping is “an act of cultural barbarism unbecoming of any nation that pretends to admire flight.”
Lady Hilary F. Had-Enough was overheard musing:
“What is the Mona Lisa’s smile if not a suppressed scream politely framed?
And what are we, if not creatures who once believed flight was possible — until someone declared it ‘impractical’ and reached for the scissors?”
The Apothecary Interlude
Meanwhile, the Neurospicy Apothecary in the Wellness Galerie at Les Galeries Lafayette — the compounding pharmacy famed for its Brain Couture™ range — was quick to release its latest musical medication: SELFIDEX SR™.
Our Elusive Author was reportedly seen exiting the back door with a stash of the stuff, handing out trial packs across Paris and humming:
“Just be yourself,
‘Cause everybody’s gettin’ dizzy,
Kinda busy being someone else…
Be yourself.”
Let it not be said that rebellion cannot be colourfully neurodiverse.
Let it not be said that rebellion cannot be feathered.
Let it not be forgotten that clipping wings, literal or otherwise, remains the most polite form of cruelty — a mutilation disguised as care.
We, too, sign our names in the margin: untrimmed, unruly, and gloriously unrepentant.
So, let the curators clutch their kombucha and the pigeons their petitions.
We urge all our dearest readers to keep their scissors holstered and their skylights ajar.
Until the next scandal,
— The Editor-in-Chief
(Avian Affairs, Cultural Intrigue & Mille-feuille Mourning Division)
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