Dearest Gentle Reader,
Some of you may have noticed that the presses of THE DAILY TREMOR have fallen rather embarrassingly silent.
Rumours circulated.
A strike, perhaps?
A hostile takeover?
An editorial dispute involving reality?
The truth, as it so often insists upon being, was considerably less convenient.
The NEUROVERSE experienced what official records now describe as an explosive flare.
A regrettably accurate term which, while sounding theatrical, lacks the budget to convey the actual spectacle.
Publication ceased.
Time became elastic.
Gravity acquired opinions.
Entire conversations vanished between one heartbeat and the next.
Quite unexpectedly, Katherine emerged.
Her latest Functional Neurological flare has finally withdrawn into whatever neurocratic hell manufactures such things.
The ordeal was, once again, unglamorous.
High cheekbones proved as useless as ever.
Be that as it may, a HOPEFUL MONSTER has once again committed the act of surviving.
At this stage, no one, including Katherine, knows quite what to expect.
She declined to speculate on whether humanity is slowly drifting toward WALLยทE, Snowpiercer, or a deleted episode of Black Mirror.
She did, however, confirm that the resemblance is becoming โstatistically awkward.โ
LADY HILARY F. HAD-ENOUGH was overheard by reliable sources confirming that she was โtechnically relievedโ.
She was quick to add that she knew the flare would eventually pass.
Naturally.
MANGO had a panic attack.
Yes, Lady Hilary sighs.
Our Editor carries on.
Katherine survives.
Mango panics.
Bless.
OPERATIVE MAC did the only thing the CEO of Shin-Level Interventionsโข could do in the circumstances.
He got his Canine Intergalactic Hydrofoil Certification:
Meanwhile, the social season has spun off to a dazzling start.
Knitting never really took off in the Neuroverse, but split-end snipping has always been extremely popular.
Katherine reinstituted the Split End Snippers Club, a delightfully unnecessary self-soothe. Repetitive movements or behaviours, sometimes called stimming, help people keep calm, manage strong emotions, and cope with sensory overload. Like giving your hands a job so your brain can breathe.
This can be done with friends, but solo stimming is also very popular.
In other news this week, OPHELIA FAE announced that People Pleasers Anonymous meetings will resume next Tuesday.
Citizens are reminded that it is OK to say no.
Attendance remains entirely voluntary, although organisers report an alarming number of prospective members have already apologised for being there.
Now to matters of international affairs.
THE AVIAN INTELLIGENCE UNIT has declared an AIU Level Amber.
PERCY said on Neurospicy Broadcasting Corporation Today that The KarmaKalkulatorโข has had a โdramatic surge in Karma Processing Requests.โ
Why? A rather large part of Earth decided, some decades ago, that it required fewer daughters.
This was achieved.
Girls were aborted and abandoned.
Created the Chinese ‘manosphere’.
Four decades on, the sums have arrived.
Too few young.
Too many old.
Too few women, for reasons no one wishes to revisit.
Commentators have identified the culprits. Feminism. Insufficiently masculine men. An epidemic of romantic attachment to artificial intelligence.
The Avian Intelligence Unit has declared Level Amber.
While engineers report that The KarmaKalkulatorโข is processing almost unprecedented volumes, the NEUROVERSE takes a moment of silent sadness at this tragedy, a poignant reminder of what happens when humanity is manipulated for greed.
Additional seed rations have been approved.
Weekend leave has been cancelled until further notice.
MS PRUDENCE SPANK-BOTTOM ESQ. was outraged.
Naturally.
In her capacity as Head of the Fairness and Fortitude Department, she issued what could best be called an โenthusiasticโ statement:
โAfter engineering a demographic equation in which millions more men outnumber women, authorities were shocked to discover that subtraction cannot be solved by blaming feminism. We confirm the KarmaKalkulatorโข has been running continuously since the discovery. Weโve checked the figures seventeen times. Sadly, arithmetic remains immune to ideology.
Fairness & Fortitude Department
So dearest reader, until the next tremor hits the page, shun hypocrisy, question cognitive dissonance, and keep your hope in a Hope-Flavour-Saver.
โ The Editor-in-Chief
(The Fortune Cookie, Dim Sung & Existential Crisis Management Division)
Previously
Dispatch from The Daily Tremor
Missed a dose of the subversive signal? Catch up on rogue remedies, sightings of the Elusive Author, and resistance dispatches too volatile for mainstream media…
