LO! Neuroverse Diplomatic Attaché To Earth

Dearest Gentle Reader,

Following weeks of speculation, whispered sightings, and one regrettable espresso-related incident in Napoli, The Daily Tremor can now confirm that the recent Earth-side movements of our Elusive Author and PERCY were diplomatic in nature.

Yes. The sightings were genuine.

No. The seagulls were not government drones.

Please stop writing to us about this.

Further enquiries will be ignored.

The delegation is there to attend the Human League Conference under temporary planetary clearance, as Karma itself remains difficult to process through customs.

They found remarkably little appetite remained anywhere, but their objective is straightforward:

To stand, loudly and sing in unison, against the harming of innocent souls.

The Neuroverse does not support Palestine alone. The Neuroverse does not support Israel alone.

We must still sing THE LEBANON.

The continued relevance of THE LEBANON remains profoundly discouraging, because souls are more sacred than land. And you cannot take land with you when you die.

Witnesses report that PERCY briefly attempted to bite a translation device during registration.

Our Elusive Author meanwhile, was observed staring silently at the sea for an amount of time later described by local diplomatic staff as “philosophically unsettling.” The incident reportedly required the hydration of at least four delegates, a measurable proportion of whom were operating at an alcohol rate of forty per cent or higher.

“Humanity continues to confuse ownership with moral legitimacy.”
— The Elusive Author, on record

Ophelia Fae also joined the delegation, marking her first documented visit to Earth since 1601, a year she maintains was overrated architecturally but excellent for velvet.

While planet-side, Ophelia quietly commenced her first official assignment as Film Critic and Cultural Commentator for The Daily Tremor.

Eye-witness reports saw her exiting an independent cinema in an undisclosed Cape Town location carrying one notebook, two existential concerns, and what appeared to be a spiritually significant box of popcorn.

This film is a masterpiece of contemporary female culture. It explores belonging, connection, and the exhausting business of attempting to live on one’s own terms while Planet Earth repeatedly asks women to provide supporting documentation.

The Neuroverse understands something Planet Earth continues to struggle with: someone intelligent and genuinely kind but somehow unable to connect, is a very real thing.

Being smart and kind feels as though it should be enough. It isn’t landing.

The harder truth is that smart, kind women are often rendered invisible by a world that measures value differently. Without the conventional markers of money, marriage, children, professional prestige, or strategic self-promotion, that kind of woman quietly disappears from view.

The particular kind of smart and kind rewarded on Planet Earth is the contained, agreeable, palatable version.

Yet, some lives do not arrive neatly. They orbit. They build. They make their own shapes.

The smart and kind the Neuroverse favours comes with depth. With neurodivergence. With feeling. Occasionally with a tendency to stare too long at the sea while thinking about civilisation.

Sometimes that kind does not make a woman a prize. It makes her a target.

The failure to land is not necessarily a failure in you.

The things asking the world to grow get refused by people who simply, well, cannot.

Sharon Stone’s character is too much for her family.

Too much for the men she dates.

Too much for the industry she is in.

Not because she is flawed. Because she is full. She has discovered The Third Fate within.

The Department of Fairness and Fortitude has since confirmed that Ophelia’s review is being quietly circulated among:

• Late-diagnosed neurodivergent women.
• Emotionally exhausted women.
• Wild spirited women.
• And at least three seaside therapists in the greater Mediterranean region.

Remarkably little appetite remains.

The blue planet’s citizen body satisfaction metric has reached 98.7 per cent, and fashion budgets now far exceed food budgets.

With the current imperialist landscape, this may well be for the best, as food may be an unaffordable luxury if the egos keep bombing the place.

This rating is being received as a political victory. Removing all appetite for life, the population is now able to truly excel without any unmanaged desire placing unnecessary strain upon both the individual and the collective purse.

Modern citizens are instead encouraged to pursue:

• Moderated fulfilment
• Calibrated pleasure
• Low-friction attachment
• Nutritionally aligned satisfaction
• Algorithmically supported peace
• A Size 8 War Drobe.

To ensure continued productivity, reports of spontaneous yearning continue to decline, as Earthlings are reminded that grief spikes, unstructured dreaming, and spontaneous acts of devotion are no longer indicators of psychological depth.

Yearning? Regulate it. Pizza? Defy it.

Citizens experiencing residual symptoms of yearning, romantic idealisation, existential appetite, artistic fixation, melancholic wandering, or irrational hope are encouraged to consult an approved Appetite Regulation Partner.

So, dearest gentle reader, keep your light in a light-flavour-saver.

And should things feel too dark, Ms Nigella Pawson, our delightful concierge, is here, waiting to welcome you into the neuroverse. For a break from all the shenanigans.

The next Daily Tremor will cover the Human League Convention.

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