Classified Personnel File · Avian Intelligence Unit
Chief Whip · CEO Karma Kouriers · NBC Correspondent
Percy
Pilsbury
Wings out. Beak smug. The moment he starts singing, the collection has already begun.
Percy holds the position of Chief Whip of the Avian Intelligence Unit and serves concurrently as CEO of Karma Kouriers, the Neuroverse's most efficient delivery service for consequences. He contributes to The Daily Tremor as its foremost music critic. He is the Neuroverse's most committed karaoke practitioner and its most unreliable narrator. He knows this. He considers it a professional asset.
He passed the Il Sussurro Grimoire to the Elusive Author at the Colosseum. Wings out. Beak smug. Surrounded by tourists who understood nothing of what had just taken place. Only the pigeons noticed. The pigeons always notice.
Queer-coded, neurospicy, divine and impossible in equal measure. Think Loki with a KarmaKalkulator™ and a loyalty that is, underneath everything, pure gold. The trickster. The keeper of stolen truths. The one who is keeping receipts. All of them.
"They think I'm just a handsome bird. But I'm keeping receipts. All of them."
Percy Pilsbury · AIU Internal Memo · Unredacted · Author Unknown · Suspected: PercyPercy arrives at the AIU offices. The hour is early. The beak is set. Whatever is on the agenda, the NERO SANGUE will not enjoy the outcome.
The Avian Intelligence Unit operates under Percy's command with Mango as Language Liaison and Bud as Pigeon Relations and Sea Gull Cooperation Attaché. Intelligence flows in from street-level pigeon networks, coastal gull operations, and sources the NBC has agreed not to name.
Entry to AIU HQ requires clearance, a convincing alibi, or the ability to look innocent while knowing too much.
Percy, Mango and Bud in full investigative briefing. Evidence is analysed. Tasks are assigned. Progress is reviewed. The meeting is catered by Pawson Seedbars. Standards are maintained throughout.
Percy's official collaboration with Pawson Seedbars. The AIU's preferred caterer. The Neuroverse's most trusted snack. The partnership was, by all accounts, inevitable.
Percy's great grandfather at the KarmaKalkulator. The machine has been in the Pilsbury family for one thousand years. The ancestral duty of operating it is not taken lightly. It has never, in recorded history, miscalculated.
Percy at the KarmaKalkulator on active AIU deployment. The machine processes incoming intelligence and returns a verdict. The NERO SANGUE are advised not to await favourable results.
Percy took to the skies with The Gulls, the naval arm of the Avian Intelligence Unit, for a covert operation with Prudence Spank-Bottom ESQ regarding the Warships for Peace Incident.
Ms Spank-Bottom's legal involvement in the matter remains officially confidential. The Gulls' involvement is, by the nature of gulls, considerably less discreet.
What was decided at altitude has not been disclosed. The NERO SANGUE have been unusually quiet since.
Percy airborne with The Gulls. Prudence Spank-Bottom ESQ present in advisory capacity. Warships for Peace Incident under active investigation. Altitude: classified. Outcome: pending.
Percy locates the Amalfitano Files. Every Breath You Take plays. The message to the NERO SANGUE is unambiguous: he will be watching. He has always been watching.
The files were subsequently passed to the Elusive Author and published by The Daily Tremor. The NERO SANGUE have yet to recover from the disclosure.
This is considered a satisfactory outcome.
Percy and Mango coordinating with the Parisienne Pigeon Party on the anti-wing-clipping case. The PPP are organised, motivated, and have excellent coverage of the 7th arrondissement.
Percy pauses to admire the Mona Lisa during his investigation into the daring robbery of pain au chocolat and croissants from the Louvre. The mainstream press failed to report this. The Daily Tremor did not.
Percy at the Hopeful Monster French Embassy on official AIU business. The nature of the visit is classified. The standard of plumage is not.
Percy and Lady Hilary F. Had-Enough share what the AIU has filed under complicated celestial connections. The precise nature of this arrangement has not been disclosed by either party.
Percy is not permitted inside Lady Hilary's Private Reading Room. Percy disagrees with this arrangement. The arrangement stands.
That he appears as The Magician in the Parot Tarot is either coincidence or confirmation. Lady Hilary has declined to clarify which.
Percy photographed celebrating at an Amalfi bar with friends. Tongues across the Neuroverse are wagging, particularly given his frequent public appearances with Mango. The AIU has issued no comment. This is itself considered a comment.
Percy on foot in the Amalfi back streets, surveilling NERO SANGUE operatives. The cobblestones are uneven. The intelligence gathered is not.
Percy at the BNS Café, Amalfi, in a session of Beat NERO SANGUE. He is one of the top players in the Neuroverse. This surprises no one familiar with his approach to the KarmaKalkulator.
Percy in the Netherlands, photographed during a Contiki Tour in the early 1980s. One of his favourite places. He has never fully explained why. The AIU suspects it involves tulips, strategic connections, and something that cannot be named in this report.
Paparazzi footage has emerged of Percy skiing with the Elusive Author. Both parties have declined to confirm the location. The footage is, by all accounts, spectacular.
The Elusive Author is rarely photographed. Percy in her company is rarer still. The mainstream press missed this entirely.
Their operational relationship is well-documented. The nature of their personal arrangement remains between them.
The badge is official. The authority is total. The beak is not to be argued with.
Percy carries his credentials at all times. He has never once needed to show them. His presence is, by all accounts, credential enough.
The KarmaKalkulator operates under this badge. Karma Kouriers dispatches under this badge. The Neuroverse sleeps more soundly for it.
Percy's therapist recommended karaoke for somatic healing. Percy received this directive with the solemnity it deserved and has since pursued it with a commitment that his therapist has described as technically exceeding the brief.
He is unabashedly open about the quality of his performances. The AIU is unabashedly open about the fact that attendance is not optional. The Neuroverse has, over time, come to regard this as a public service.
"But cut me some slack — who do you want me to be?"
The commitment is total. The NERO SANGUE know who they are. So does Peter Gabriel, technically.
Music critic covering the Human League 2026 tour. He is, in his own words, extremely excited. This has been confirmed by three independent sources and one pigeon.
The circumstances preceding this performance have not been documented. The AIU has declined to comment. The therapist considers it progress.
Attendance was mandatory. Standards were, predictably, exceptional. Rihanna was not consulted. Percy felt this was irrelevant.
The NBC advised viewers to take a deep breath before watching. This advice was not given lightly. Percy has never once acknowledged this advisory exists.
"This never happened. You saw nothing. But you'll remember everything."
Percy Pilsbury · Post-Wembley · NBC Press Office Transcript · Officially UnverifiedThe 1000th anniversary of the KarmaKalkulator in the Pilsbury family line required an occasion commensurate with its significance. Percy chose Wembley. Percy chose Karma Chameleon. The AIU considers both choices self-evident.
The KarmaKalkulator has never miscalculated. The performance was, in Percy's own estimation, magnificent. He has not sought a second opinion and does not intend to.
Receipts are kept. All of them.
A historic occasion. The Pilsbury line endures. The performance was inevitable. Boy George was not available for comment.
Percy does not require an introduction. Percy does not require a commendation. Percy requires only that the NERO SANGUE remain aware that he is watching, that the KarmaKalkulator is operational, and that Karma Kouriers delivers.
Always. Without exception. With impeccable plumage.
AIU · Avian Intelligence Unit · All Intelligence Classified · Percy Pilsbury Presiding