Dearest Gentle Reader,
Whilst the galaxy gossips about the horrific hostilities heating up on Earth, THE TREMOR has been gazing upon the Mother Planet in astonished anguish.
Mother Nature is a single, working mother.
The exhausted poor woman sighed out El Niño in dismay.
And we can’t say we blame her.
In an exclusive letter to The Daily Tremor, she writes that motherhood is thankless.
“I have told them,” she writes, “many times. The Earth belonged to itself long before any of them arrived to claim it.”
They did not listen.
They drew imaginary lines across its surface and fought viciously to defend them.
Or, having tired of their own patch, decided somebody else’s would do nicely.
Exasperated, she even flipped through that wretched, but celebrated baby-rearing artefact by Dr. Benjamin Spock, who devoted his life to studying those who have yet to leave the nursery.
She realised, halfway through, that the book felt better suited to Vulcan children.
So she abandoned it.
Life is too short to read a bad book.
Instinctively, mothers just know: between the ages of one and three, children develop an emphatic understanding of “mine”, accompanied by an equally fervent interest in whatever belongs to somebody else.
By three to three-and-a-half, disputes over possession and the indignity of sharing reach their troublesome height.
We understand that this is a developmental phase.
It is concerning that humanity appears to have made little progress since.
Nursery quarrels rotate over time.
To an invisible roster.
Toys are snatched, allegiances shift, and somebody invariably insists that the other child started it.
Ownership, it would appear, is a concept best enjoyed when applied exclusively to oneself.
It’s called a trump card.
In a grotesque departure from customary nursery proceedings, the quarrelling has escaped the nursery.
They are no longer simply bullying one another. They are blowing up the entire nursery.
For once, the editorial desk has nothing clever to say.
We therefore return our dispatch to matters closer to home.
Our infamous Spank-Bottom ESQ’s OnlyFans scandal has suffered another implosion.
On Substack this time.
The Department of Fairness and Fortitude has yet to issue a formal statement, although we understand that several strongly worded documents are being sharpened as we write.
Meanwhile, the Neuroverse Substack account acquired SIX followers.
Five, if one discounts the fact that we follow ourselves.
With Operative MAC and the Avian Intelligence Unit (AIU), we could now fill a single box at the opera, provided the AIU birds refrain from spreading either their wings or their opinions.
MANGO, our newly appointed digital tourism director, was overwhelmed by the increase in followership.
The 1,025% increase in followers, she said, was a result of her considerable efforts to promote the Neuroverse as a destination on World Tourism Day.
Such was her commitment: she produced and directed The Hopeful Monster Neuroverse’s first tourism production.
Truth obliges us to admit: it is her first video production.
She is a Sun Conure. English is not her first language. And digital is one of her part-time jobs.
We invite Gentle Readers to watch it and draw their own conclusions:
The expansion of the Novellarium has been the subject of considerable discussion along High Street, where residents are enthusiastically producing entertainment of considerable ambition, high-Spoon budgets, and a flagrant disregard for conventional production schedules.
The CHROME exhibition has expanded to include Paraesthesia, the latest addition to Becoming Katherine: an audacious revelation, decidedly ill-suited to those who prefer their portraits polite and their revelations modest.
We understand that the piece has caused some discussion, although the exhibition’s curator has declined to explain it to anyone who has not yet actually looked at it properly.
Meanwhile, PERCY: The Musical and MAC: Mission Possible, the long-awaited (and very first) feature film, are attracting considerable attention.
Critics believe that MAC: Mission Possible stands an excellent chance of winning the Neuro Award for Best (and only) Feature Film.
Rotten Tomatoes hasn’t weighed in.
The MAC: Mission Possible production commemorates Operative MAC‘s third year as Head of Shin-Level Security Operations in the Neuroverse.
PERCY objects. Naturally.
Friends close to the AIU chief whip report that he is deeply hurt by the failure of PERCY: The Musical to secure a Best Feature Film nomination.
Repeated assurances that he is a certain winner in the Best Karaoke Production category have done little to restore his spirits.
The Editor-in-Chief has advised PERCY that the awards committee is independent.
PERCY has advised the Editor-in-Chief that so is he.
We have decided to leave the matter there.
Moving on, the Novellarium has two further events in preparation.
Both are high-Spoon-investment productions and will be released when they are completed:
NOT ALL THINGS ARE MADE FROM CODE
A TRIBUTE TO THE POET SOFIA ISELLA
We should like to reassure our Gentle Readers that this is an entirely deliberate production strategy.
Poet Sofia Isella, currently the most-streamed poet in the Neuroverse, has occupied the number-one position for four consecutive weeks.
The editorial desk has been instructed by Ms Prudence Spank-Bottom ESQ not to ask whether the figures have been independently verified.
We have complied, naturally.
And, in news that will no doubt interest our intergalactic readership, our Galactic Wonder (GW) recently visited the Neuroverse.
Travelling by elephant, no less.
She was seen with Katherine, in deep conversation on the Neuroverse High Street.
The Avian Intelligence Unit has submitted three possible explanations, all of which involve OWL, and none of which has been accepted.
The precise diplomatic significance of the elephants remains under investigation.
In the court of public opinion, it’s because both women love elephants.
And both are pro-galaxy.
The visit closely coincided with the arrival of Sedna, Queen of the oceanic kingdom.
She was accompanied by the ghost of Carl Jung, naturally.
We understand that the timing was not entirely accidental.
Tea was sipped.
MANGO was elated.
Strange things happen when the 10/10 portals swing open.
With Sledgehammer Season fast approaching, Sedna arrived at the suggestion of the Galactic Wonder, bearing a few words of considerable wisdom.
The nature of these remarks, and the circumstances surrounding the council at which they were delivered, remain unrecorded in the official minutes.
This is not, we are assured, because the minutes have been lost.
The Editor-in-Chief has requested clarification.
Press freedom is, after all, a principle in the Neuroverse.
Our request for the full transcript remains unanswered. Some chatter has surfaced on Substack, but uncovering all that the Substack Spread omitted is now a matter of delicious priority, Dearest Gentle Reader: what was discussed at this council, what was left unsaid, and why certain members of the diplomatic delegation appear so considerably changed.
Until the next tremor hits the page, keep your lanterns lit, your frequency high, and your feathers clear of the portal hinges.
We regret that illusions lost in transit cannot be reimbursed.
The Editor-in-Chief
(The Department of Portal Relations and Negligible Funding)
Previously
Dispatch from The Daily Tremor
Missed a dose of the subversive signal? Catch up on rogue remedies, sightings of the Elusive Author, and resistance dispatches too volatile for mainstream media…
