As published in The Daily Tremor VIII/XI/MMXXV
Dearest Gentle Reader,
Would you believe it’s that time of year again?
This season’s festooned frenzy arrives with all the subtlety of a brass band in a library.
Kindly remove all unauthorised sentimentality — it’s Sledgehammer Season — our favourite annual assault on our eardrums and sanity.
Oh my, how the year has flown.
We first noticed while on an investigative perambulation (editor’s sacred duty, etc.): that unmistakable and unrelenting season forecaster: confounded yuletide melodies and tidings.
That untimely assault of premature enthusiasm – a brazen attempt to loosen coin and patience in equal measure:
Damn Sledgehammer Music!
Jingle Jackhammer, Jingle Jackhammer,
Demolition is on its way.
Oh, what FND flares will blaze,
Thinking of the home they’ll take away.
Too soon?
We couldn’t agree more! But, like it or not, the silly season is upon us.
As journalistic duty (and an excellent tip-off from an undercover Canary — name withheld to protect identity) compels, we can confirm that the Compliance & Cheer Department of Festive Destruction (CCDFD) is already in full planning mode.
The Compliance & Cheer Department of Festive Destruction – hard at work
This year’s pièce de résistance?
The introduction of a lavish Grand Wrecking Ball – totally exclusive, by email invitation only.
The ballroom awaits: Compliance and destruction in perfect harmony
Of course, we received a tip-off that our Elusive Author received an invitation.
When approached for comment, she said, without decorum:
“An exclusive invitation perhaps only Katniss Everdeen would understand.”
For those in the know, the Elusive Author despises balls.
Masked Balls. Golf Balls. Wrecking Balls. (With the noble exception of Miley Cyrus, whom we too salute, naturally, as a rare beacon of delightful rebellion in the Wrecking Ball Hall of Fame.
And Mrs Balls, of course, widely loved, we cannot deny. Press integrity, and so forth.)
For those unfamiliar with local customs, The Grand Wrecking Ball is billed as a prestigious civic honour — attendance is compulsory, entertainment is optional, but unfortunately, it is recommended.
Our hard-hatted hosts clearly intend to make a spectacle this season: a festive celebration of compliance and destruction in perfect harmony.
Guests are encouraged to arrive dazzling, compliant, and mildly terrified.
Dress code: Steampunk festive fatalism.
Complimentary cocktails will be served in cracked teacups from the condemned, crumbling kitchen area.
Complimentary cocktails, served in cracked teacups.
Meanwhile, the Avian Intelligence Unit (AIU) has confirmed that an urgent undercover seed operation is in play, conducted in covert alliance with the International Avian Migration & Diplomacy Patterns Organisation (IAVNDPO).
In a joint press statement, both agencies disclosed a sighting: the NERO SANGUE boss, Don Angoscia, was last seen boarding a ferry in Naples.
Destination? Amalfi. Motive? Unknown.
LEAKED MOBILE FOOTAGE // NAPLES HARBOUR // SOURCE: ANONYMOUS
Tabloids are, of course, in a frenzy.
Leading the charge? Feminine-Fainting-Nonsense Weekly™️, whose scandal of the season features none other than our very own Elusive Author.
Their witness — a highly astute rat, residing in the rafters of a prominent psychology practice in Berlin (for an astonishing 27 months and 6 days, no less) — provided expert testimony:
“Women, it appears, are dreadfully emotional and prone to fainting spells. This, of course, is owing to the tyrannical grip of their corsets, which constricts not only their waists but alas, their poor, delicate faculties of reason—thus conjuring a veritable tempest of inconvenient hysteria.”
Should we truly accept the wisdom of Freudian vermin versed in matters of the mind?
Impressive credentials, perhaps — but sound reasoning remains unproven.
We’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions.
In another development, Agent Mango was seen in deep conversation with an unknown Stork (it is our duty to report, not to conjecture).
Exclusive: Mango conferring with diplomatic sources
Passersby say she was twittering on about:
“Abusive anticipatory terror of an outcome not formally ordered but now awaited.”
Speaking of which, those fortunate enough to spend an evening at Lady Hilary’s coveted card table this week were heard whispering and sagely shaking their heads as they departed, saying the cards were ‘bizarre’:
“Building plans are valid. Occupancy denied. Truth costs.”
Of course, we believe this scandal to be textbook NERO SANGUE. When the Don is in town, there’s no need to threaten demolition orders – the whisper of potential disaster achieves the same paralysis. And you don’t need to employ a typing pool for admin to-ing and fro-ing.
Regular readers may recall the Don’s devastating speciality — whispering of disasters yet to come, convincing that danger lurks everywhere, tightening fear’s collar until it curls contentedly beneath the skin.
Fret not if you missed that week’s Tremor.
We keep records. Dewey Decimal system, naturally.
Do what ye will, dear reader — Santa Sledge has his Book of Regulations open.
He’s studied every page.
Who among us wouldn’t wish to be paraded before the city’s portrait painters as proof that we smile gracefully while our foundations are being assessed for explosive load?
With this in mind, we are courageously preparing our very first Festive Guide to Surviving Sledgehammer Season.
Better start sending out cards now. We all KNOW how brutally slow the postal system can be at this time of year.
We further caution you to stock up on smelling salts, as carollers knock enthusiastically at doors, PPE immaculately washed and ironed, cheery hard hats firmly in place, singing seasonal favourites.
Until such time, tell your children to leave out cookies — and The Book of Building Regulations — for Santa Sledge is coming… to town.
Do remember, he doesn’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice.
(And Angoscia is apparently the in-vogue habit to kick this year.)
Until the next tremor shakes the page —rest assured, the gulls are watching.
Viva la resistance.
— The Editor-in-Chief
(Urban Myth & Infrastructure B.S. Detection Division)
Dispatch from The Daily Tremor
Missed a dose of the subversive signal? Catch up on rogue remedies, sightings of the Elusive Author, and resistance dispatches too volatile for mainstream media…
