As published in The Daily Tremor XII/MMXXV
Dearest Gentle Reader,
With Sledgehammer Season approaching like raucous reindeer on cocaine, it is with both a raised eyebrow and deliberate decorum that we officially announce the appointment of the revered solicitor and bold bluestocking, Ms Prudence Spank-Bottom (nΓ©e Fairchild) Esq., as the head of our new Fairness & Fortitude Column: Protest, Object and Research!
When the neuroverse calls for moral indignation, Prudence is the iron-gloved guardian of lost causes and badly behaved destinies, defender of neurospicy causes from bureaucratic bullying and erasure, to medical gaslighting and performative political pearl-clutching.
When Ms Spank-Bottom Esq. sharpens her quill and tightens her Psyche Knot, all blanch in her way – the tireless solicitor that is not only the leather corset of the scales of justice, but the very spine.
She wields ledger and quill as instruments of justice, where others flinch.
She defends the ones they call “Too Much,” those accused of “Feigning,” etc.
When interviewed by NBC (Neurospicy Broadcasting Corporation), her stance was clear: “My riding crop works overtime. Bullies require disciplineβsome more than others. I don’t mind. I like sorting out shenanigans!”
Her professional repertoire is not confined to the day-to-day legal affairs of our Neuroverse. Among her clients are the prestigious Avian Intelligence Unit, The Parisienne Pigeon Party, and, most recently, our Elusive Author herself (more on that later).
Yes, Dearest Gentle Reader, Tyrrhenian tazzine tremble this season, and the Ton is whispering in scandalous fascination.
And when teacups trembleβ¦ they spillβ¦
The Hilary Dynamic
Prudence (according to sources, more than one, not all human, all wishing to remain anonymous) was heard calling Lady Hilary “Silly Hilly,” and, to add insult to injury, stating her preference to be spared “tealeaf treaties.”
Naturally, even the Argand Lamps leaned in and listened.
Overheard at the water cooler (even your editor gets parched under professional politics): Lady Hilary, in her usual autistic, ethereal flourishing, calling Prudence “Jurisprudence.”
Her countenance made her meaning clear.
FEMININE FAINTING NONSENSE WEEKLY had a field day β featuring Prudence in their November Edition. The splash feature, penned by the popular neurospicy hater, that misogynist mouse Mr. Donald Trumpet, painting Prudence as being “secretly fascinated by Lady Hilary’s uncanny precision in matters both mystical and mundane.” What a Penny Dreadful that rag is!
Both women are ardent defenders of overlooked truths, arbiters of moral justice, and despisers of beige.
Let’s see what will unfold… don’t we all love a little seasonal spice
The Mango Situation
Finally, the matter of MANGO’s recent walkabout in Paris escalated to such a level that Ms Spank-Bottom Esq., on behalf of her client MANGO, confirmed categorically that β not that she stressed it was anybody’s business β MANGO’s waters have NOT broken, and that a gang of Gabbiani were responsible for spreading fake news connecting the Louvre’s aquatic misfortune to MANGO’s alleged “waters breaking.”
Prudence further reminded all that MANGOΒ may walk however and wherever MANGOΒ feels inclined to, evoking her avian right to be as “free as a bird.” Everybody in the galaxy knows that law. It’s like the law of Karma. Don’t people read anymore??
Let the record show this is nonsense of the highest hydrological order. The only thing breaking is Parisian plumbing. Nothing “haute couture” about it. End of story!
A source close to the AIU (who asked to remain anonymous) insists MANGO is simply keeping fit by dancing down Boulevard Saint-Germain, whistling “Walk Like An Egyptian.“ Bangles. 80’s. Not our place to judge.
Percy was not available for official comment at this time. Sources say he was seen in the company of his band of Beau monde birds, raising a glass at Bar de Poche, cryptically toasting “Happy Feathers” with the theatrical flourish one learns to anticipate from Percy.
Through all this clamour, we do what we must.
Our nerves may be water-clogged, but our paperwork is dry.
Prepare your spectacles and watch this space.
And please wear a scuba mask when in Paris.
Until the next tremor hits the page.
β The Editor-in-Chief
(Department of Reindeer Rehab and Holly Distribution)
Dispatch from The Daily Tremor
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